I already set this goal to lose 40 pounds. I was being good about working out and I lost a little in the beginning. I didn't end up losing much weight because the fat weight I burned off, I was putting back on in muscle. But I wasn't watching my food intake. Hard to lose weight when you're not cutting calories. Hard to cut calories if you aren't keeping track of them.

ADHD has also been a big stumbling point. I still haven't gotten it properly diagnosed (and thus I am not medicated), but I've been told by a couple professionals now in so many words that it's a sure thing.

Depression is an old friend from high school. It just kind of follows me around and rears its ugly head from time to time to remind me about all the sad things.

The thing about ADHD and depression, especially in combination, they get in the way of getting to a place of healing to be well enough to take care of yourself in order to keep you out of them.

While I'm not 100% opposed to medication, I understand that resistances build up over time to the various meds that are available. It can take some time to find the right one.

There are some times when I really think, I just wish I could be an average kid and be able to do the things that I think other people are able to do without having to fight themselves to do. I wish it wasn't so much of a struggle. It's tempting to book an appointment and try to get meds as a "quick fix".

But I don't feel like my symptoms are significant enough that I really warrant being medicated. For the most part, I am a functioning adult, even if it feels like that only extends to work and official / baseline necessity things, and not my personal quality of life. I don't think that I've done enough on my own steam to try to resolve the issues I have.

There I go, circling back onto self-blame. "I haven't tried hard enough, therefore I don't deserve assistance to help me get there." This is very negative and untrue self-talk. Sometimes you need to use a crutch for a while in order to let your body heal enough to walk on its own. Sometimes you need assistance from a friend or medication in order to get out of a slump, be it financial or emotional.

Sometimes the hole is so deep, you cannot get out on your own. You need someone to lower down a ladder.

But... I don't want to become dependent on a medication in order to function, if it can at all be avoided. I want to train my mind and body to use coping mechanisms and strategies to get myself where I want to be. So I rely upon these times of what I might as well call lucidity where I take back control of my life again for a while.

I think a really big factor is alcohol. I really like to drink and get drunk. I like the taste. I like the feel. But it steals my energy and becomes a downward spiral into further drinking and greater energy loss. I am doing myself more than a few favours by committing to quit for 6 months to a year.

Honestly, I don't know if I will ever quite have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I have never gotten to the point of chemical dependence, but I always seem to find myself back in the same pattern. And there have been times in my life when I was deeply depressed and turned toward alcohol as a means of self-harm. It's a dark path I've walked.

I haven't yet committed to quitting alcohol for good, but I really do know that I ought to.

I would really like to get into mixing up some sober cocktails though, because there are some really nice aesthetics to preparing a fancy drink and I would like to keep that part of the experience.